Three Months
by Frenglish Is Not A Language
Summary: Three months, that’s the last time she could remember feeling like an actual person instead of the hollow, lifeless person that stared back at her in the mirror.
1. Chapter 1

hi everyone, this is my first L&O fanfic so please review and let me know what you think and if i should do more.

few warnings befor you read. it is femslash alsho its not really bad (i dont think) it will be angsty coz i dont do happy fics well and i love cliff hangers :D so read enjoy and review and if you like i will update soon!

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Three Months

The first few weeks since Alex had left were some of the worse she had ever experienced, she had been given two days off work because she couldn't get up in the morning. It didn't help that she was drowning in the bottom of a bottle of whiskey every night since she had gone. Recently though that had changed, alcohol was no longer working and she could see what a mess she was making of her life. Doing the only thing she could think of she threw away all traces that alcohol had ever existed and tried to live her life the way Alex would have wanted her to. Sober.

She figured it was a side effect of withdrawal that she kept being sick. She couldn't keep food down and she was hardly eating, people had long ago stopped telling her that she looked thin because now all she did was ignore them. She buried herself with work figuring that is was the only thing that she had to live for, helping the victims. Three months, that's the last time she could remember feeling like an actual person instead of the hollow, lifeless person that stared back at her in the mirror.

It was 2am on Monday morning, she and Elliot had been working since 9 the following day. Adoption papers, bank records, social security numbers, she couldn't stand staring at numbers any more and her throbbing head was telling her that it wouldn't let her either. Giving up for a few minutes she decided coffee would probably be her best bet. Pushing her chair out from under her and heaving her self to her feet she desperately tried to remember the last time she ate something as she plummeted to the floor.

A loud crack reverberated through the almost empty walls of the 1-6 precinct and its remaining occupants looked up in time to see Olivia collide with her desk and then hit the floor.

Panic flooded Elliot as he saw Liv fall, within second of her hitting the wood flooring surrounding her desk he was by her side. Her face was pale and lifeless and the first thing he noticed was the streak of red making its way down his partner's cheek. "Liv….Liv please…wake up….Liv" his yelling caused the rest of the squad to rush over to where he was franticly trying to revive his partner. He knew she had lost weight but in her current position he could actually feel how much. His grip on her arms lessened through fear he could break something, to say he was worried about her was an understatement.

He vaguely remembered someone calling out saying the ambulance was on its way but the cold grip of worry had settled its self around his heart and was showing no signs of moving.

It was bright, she could hear the faint sound of voices and she hoped to God they weren't just in her head. _That's all I need, to go crazy on top of being an alcoholic….recovering alcoholic. _Slowly opening her eyes she realized that she was in bed, as the voices faded out she was left with only the dull sound of the florescent lights vibrating over her head. That's when it hit her, her head felt as though it had been hit by a truck. _Oh god please tell me this isn't a hangover, I was doing so well. _She hadn't noticed the tears falling silently down her cheeks until her hand automatically reached out to angrily wipe them away. It was then she noticed the IV in her hand, the heart rate monitor by her bed and the almost bleach white sheets.

"You awake?" as slowly as she could she turned her head to the side and noticed Elliot crammed awkwardly into the chair next to her bed.

"The doctor said you have a concussion and that you were seriously dehydrated…..and malnourished. Liv what the hell had been happening to you."

She could feel the emotion behind each word and it made her feel worthless, she had tried really she had but her body just wasn't listening to her. She swallowed her self pity and glanced back to where her partner was sitting. His shirt looked about 3 days old and he looked almost as bad as she did, probably. That's when it hit her, she may have lost Alex but she had people who cared for her, her family. They may not have been by blood but they had been there for her thought everything and they were still there trying to help her.

No one knew about the relationship she had with Alex, they both figured that it was easier to keep t to them selves, for work purposes. Its not like she wanted to when they first told each other how much the other was loved it took all of her strength not to shout from the roof tops that Alex Cabot loved her. She didn't realized that she had be quiet for almost 10 minutes until Elliot slowly approached her bed and gently wiped the fallen tears that were running down her cheeks.

"I'm sorry El I didn't know it had gotten this bad. There is some stuff that I haven't told you and im not sure how your going to react….but can I explain later when my head doesn't feel the size of Connecticut?" she almost refused to make eye contact with him, for fear of seeing disappointment in his normally friendly eyes. The fact she was fascinated with the small pattern making its way around the top of the blanket covering her bed didn't escape Elliot as he gave her a small smile kissed the top of her head and quietly whispered "when ever your read."


	2. Chapter 2

Silence, she hated it but no more than she hated hospitals. She avoided them as much as possible and considering what had happened the last time she was here she hated them more now than ever before. After much persuasion she managed to send Elliot home to his wife after sitting vigil by her side for almost two days.

She still hadn't had the chance to tell Elliot anything that she had been through but she knew that he would always be there for her; since she had 4 days off to recuperate she didn't have much of a choice but to contemplate what had happened to her. Lack of sleep, not eating, the alcohol, binge drinking so much she forgot the night before, _god I even woke up in a motel and couldn't remember how I had gotten there._ But worse was the depression, the feeling that she was never going to be whole again, the feeling that no one knew how she felt that she was on her own.

The hours crawled by as she was only left with her thoughts for company; nurses came and went with promises of more visits and the attention of a doctor before she could be discharged.

The door to her room swung inwards and loudly crashed against the wall startling Olivia out of her internal monologue. "Well Detective I have the results of your blood test and I have to say im rather ……surprised to say the least."

Still trying to get her raging heartbeat under control Olivia only heard half of what the loud, brash short woman was saying. As the blood raging through her ears subsided she finally found her voice. "im sorry…..I don't understand"

"Well Detective it seems that your about 2 months pregnant. But you will be pleased to know that the baby is fine but your going to have to gain a lot of weight and have regular check ups." The Doctor whose name badge indicated her as being Samantha Marsden M.D looked at Olivia with one of the biggest smiles she had ever seen patiently waiting for her reaction.

It made no sense. How could she be pregnant, she hadn't had sex since Alex had left and as far as she could remember you still needed to have sex to have a baby, she may have done sex education along time ago but it hadn't changed that much. Blinking rapidly as though it would bring back her memories she settled on the only possible explanation she could think of. "No."

The smile that was once plastered tightly across Doctor Sam's face soon vanished as the tone of Olivia's words hit her. "Your blood test clearly….."

Any other justification that was coming was soon lost as Olivia once again spoke up. "No its not possible, I cant be pregnant….I haven't had sex in three months so tell me Doctor how can I be pregnant …… even if the next explanation you come up with is immaculate conception you would be wrong...coz the Virgin Mary Im not." It felt like a humming bird had taken up resident in her chest as her heart rate picked up, adrenaline rushed through her veins as she desperately tried to reason with the incredibly chipper looking Doctor who was standing at the foot of her bed.

For a second it looked as though the doctor actually believed her and conceded to the fact that Olivia was right and then she realized she had more than seven years of medical training to prove Detective Olivia Benson wrong. "We can run the tests again but im sorry, you are pregnant. I'll let you get some rest and come back and talk to you later once the news has settled in, then we can talk about your options." Without another word she quietly slipped out of the room, much unlike her entrance and was almost unnoticed by Olivia.

How? Well she knew the logistics of how obviously but she couldn't actually remember the how or the when. Her thoughts and troubles ran through her mind. Takings a deep calming breath she tried like mad to calm her raging heartbeat but to no avail, if she kept going this way she was going to give herself a heart attack which is just what she needed.

Going slowly through the events of the last three months she finally came across something that didn't quite add up. _Oh god the motel_. Of course it had to be the drink, even though she had finally given it up she still couldn't get away from its evil. _Oh go I just assumed that I had been to drunk to get home so I found a motel to crash but what if someone took me there. _She tried to rationalize her thoughts; it was the only thing that made sense in a twisted kind of way.

She finally came to the conclusion that she couldn't have been raped because there would have been some kind of evidence so it must have been consensual. She recalled all the times before Alex that she used to go to bars get blind drunk and sleep with some poor unsuspecting guy and then leave him in the morning. _What the hell am I going to do? Keep it? Abortion? What about Alex, the squad, my life….a baby?._ She had always wanted kids and Alex was the first person she could actually see herself having kids with.

What to do first? Cry? Scream? Laugh? Throw up? _God could I be more of a mess. _It must have been a few hours since her last visit because she looked up just in time to see her door almost tentatively open to reveal an apologetic looking Doctor Marsden. "We ran the tests again and im afraid there still the same, you're pregnant."


	3. Chapter 3

ok i want to clear some thing up that i forgot to mention and ask those of you who review a question.

Alex is in Witness Protection an since i havent seen anything past season 2 (coz im English) i have no idea what season that is. i jst rememberd i havent mentioned that yet :D

my question is do you want me to write a plot line for the babys father coz i wasnt going to write it in...let me know what you want me to do and sorry it took me longer to update than i though

Enjoy and Review!

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The conversation with her Doctor didn't really sink in, her vision wouldn't focus and if someone had been paying close attention they would have realized that she was actually staring at the pattern on the wallpaper behind the Doctor instead of looking directly at her. After what seemed like seconds she had been discharged, after finally making her way out of the hospital it was then she realized she was holding about 15 different leaflets on adoption, abortion and the benefits of having a child. Smiling sadly she realized that Doctor Sam must have been feeling rather guilty about how she broke the news and was trying to make Olivia feel better.

Reluctantly she lifted her gaze to find that she as standing in front of the hospital and that Elliot was approaching her with worry clearly plastered over his face. _Hospital must have phoned him._ Giving him another sad smile she realized that she couldn't contain it anymore. Her knees gave out as she crumpled to the floor in heaving sobs as she did the only thing she knew her body could do, cry.

Elliot was by her side in a second and he couldn't help but take her in his arms and try and promise that every thing was going to be ok; he knew he couldn't keep the promise but he would sure as hell try. His heart almost stopped as he saw her look up at him with pleading eyes, it was then her realized what she had been holding.

Everything seemed to happen so fast, one second she was looking at Elliot the next she was wrapped tightly in his arms while he whispered promises in her ear. It wasn't until she was in the front seat of his car heading towards her apartment that she finally began to take in her surrounding. "Elliot….." she didn't know what to say, how the hell was she going to explain this one. There was so much he didn't know, Alex, the drinking and now the baby. Tears began to form in her eyes again as she tried desperately to hold them back, this time succeeding she sat in silence and watched the New York streets pass her by.

To say Elliot was concerned would have been an understatement, Liv looked like hell and he had no clue why. He knew sooner or later she would confide in him but he just hoped that it wasn't too late to help her. They had been parked out side her apartment for almost 5 minutes before Olivia realized that the scenery wasn't moving anymore turning her head she noticed that Elliot had his gaze securely fixed on her and she knew she wasn't going any where with out explaining everything to him. "You can come up and I'll do my best to explain…..I think you're going to need a drink when you hear this." Her voice was so quiet Elliot wasn't even sure that she had spoken until Olivia made a move to get out of the car.

The silence that settled over the pair once in Olivia's apartment was something that neither of them was familiar with. They had been partners for longer than either of them could remember, they had always been honest with each other it was something that made them such good partners. Liv had taken her usual seat on her sofa and was staring blankly at the wall above her television almost willing Elliot to read her mind so she didn't have to talk about it.

"Ok….. so im not sure where to start with this so im just going to come out and say it….me and Alex had…have been seeing each other for almost two years and I cant explain it any other way than to say that I love her with all my heart. The fact that she's been taken from me almost killed me…I started drinking…a lot… it wasn't until I realized that I was turning into my mother and was slowly killing myself in the process that I stopped. I thought about what Alex would want me to do if she was here and I stopped….im not going to lie…its been the most difficult thing I think I have ever experienced…. But when I stopped drinking I had to deal with the fact that she wasn't here and I guess I haven't really been treating myself very well….." giving a small smile she realized what and understatement that was but still refused to look at Elliot and see the disappointment reflected in his eyes. "I stopped eating and sleeping almost altogether, and I guess it finally got so bad that….well you know what happened." Silence filled the room as Olivia tried to collect herself long enough to finish the rest of her story. "And if that wasn't enough the Doctor at the hospital…..told me…..she told me im pregnant."

The ticking of the clock on her kitchen wall was the only indication that time hadn't stood still. Neither of them said anything and no one moved Olivia had almost convinced herself that she hadn't said anything and that it was all in her head until she heard Elliot clear his throat.

"Okay" then silence, nothing, that was his reaction. She was so convinced that Elliot was going to scream at her that she forgot that he was her best friend. "The Alex thing is…. wow….I mean I had some feeling that you might be gay so that's not much of a shock. God Liv I have no idea what you much have been through in the last three months, if I lost Kathy I don't know what I would do. I wish you would have told me about the drinking, I could have helped you, your not wonder woman you know it is ok to ask for help….I guess its just going to take a while for it all to settle in…..its a bit….shocking to say the least." She was smiling and it was real, it was the first sign of a real emotion that she had shown in about three months.

"The thing I don't get though is….how are you pregnant?" that pushed her over the edge and she was so shocked to her the sound of her own laugh that she couldn't help but laugh harder. The words she had used earlier that day seemed so stupid hearing them first hand and she now realized why Doctor Sam reacted like she did.

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Before you all send me hate mail I just thought I would say that elliots reaction to Liv being gay is exactly what my best friend did. I told her on my 20th birthday and I was so convinced that she was going to hate me and call me a dyke or something that I was in hysterics I think it took me an half an hour locked in the night club toilet before I told her and all she said was 'okay ….i kinda thought you were'

I write what I know so there you have it

Review and Enjoy!


	4. Chapter 4

sorry it took me ages to update but i had a bit of writers block and hopefuly im going to push my way through it. if your really lucky ch5 should be up by the end of the day (well heres hoping) not much happens in the chapter and im sorry for jumpin two months but i didnt know how to carry on from the last chapter

enjoy...review :D

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It had been two months since she had told Elliot and she could officially say things were getting better. She still missed Alex more that she could put into words but she had to focus on her baby. _Her baby_, it still didn't quite sound right. Sure, she had always wanted kids and she figured her and Alex would have eventually had a family but things had changed and Alex was no longer with her. There was always the nagging feeling that she was passing on her 'fathers' genes to an innocent child but Elliot almost had her convinced she was a good person and that if someone could successfully raise a child on their own it was her.

She still hadn't told the rest of the squad about the pregnancy but she figured that soon she would have a choice. If you looked close enough you could see her bump and according to her OBGYN she was under weight for someone in their fourth month which didn't help her hide the fact she was beginning to show.

Climbing out of bed on a cold Monday morning was something she had grown used to during her time as SVU but being four months pregnant on top of that was something she wasn't going to miss when the baby was finally here. Looking at herself sideways in the mirror she couldn't help but smile, her baby. _Maybe it does sound right after all_. Her silent musings were interrupted by the shrill sound of her mobile phone echoing through her empty apartment. Grabbing it from her night stand she wasn't at all surprised to see Elliot's name flashing on the screen.

"It's a good job I was already up other wise you would have a very grumpy pregnant woman on your hands." She said smiling down the phone.

"I thought you were always in a bad mood regardless to what time I wake you up." Came her partners teasing reply.

"Very funny El, what do you want?" she replies while making her way to the kitchen to get her usual glass of orange juice.

"Just wanted to check you were up and if you wanted a lift into work." Ever since he had found out Elliot had practically gone out of his way to make sure she was more than safe, which included giving her a lift to and from work almost everyday.

"Well at least you bothered to phone and ask this time….thanks El but I think I'll walk I could do with some fresh air." taking her drink with her she reached her bedroom and began gathering her usual work attire ready.

"Sorry Liv but im not taking no for an answer." A loud knock from her front door was all that stopped her from yelling back at her partner.

Slowly making her way back through her apartment she couldn't help but smile at how protective and big brotherly Elliot could be, even if it was incredibly annoying.

Opening her door she found a grinning Elliot looking incredibly happy with him self. Leaving the door open for him she turned and walked back towards her bedroom to get dressed. "Well good morning to you to." He muttered and situated himself on the nearest chair patiently waiting for Liv to get ready.

"well it would be a good morning if I could have coffee and stop feeling nauseous all the time but alas its not meant to be." She called from her bed room as she shrugged off her night clothes.

It only took her half an hour to get ready, a skill that she had acquired since becoming a police officer. Throwing open her bedroom door she couldn't help but laugh at Elliot. After 3 minutes of patiently waiting he had become increasingly bored and had found a book she had started to read entitled 'what to expect when you're expecting' the look on his face as he read was priceless and she could only wish she had a camera.

"Didn't you read them kind of books when Kathy was pregnant?" she asked as she pulled on her leather jacket.

"I didn't really have much time for baby books I was to busy trying to get enough money to support my very pregnant wife" he replied half heartedly still engrossed in the book.

Realizing that Olivia was ready and waiting for him he quickly closed the book and stood up. His breath caught in his throat as he took in the sight of his partner standing before him. He knew for a fact that pregnant women did actually glow but it was something he wasn't used to seeing on Olivia. She was wearing dark blue jeans with a top he could tell would soon be left unused at the back of her closet due to her growing figure. He could definitely see her bump through the top and to say that it showed of her growing …'assets' would have been an understatement.

"Wow Liv you look ….. Pregnant….I mean I dint mean that in a bad way I just mean that …glowing your actually glowing…..looks good on you." Smiling at his stuttering she turned and walked towards the door knowing Elliot would follow.

She knew her outfit would probably get some strange looks as she entered the station but she was rapidly out growing her normal clothes and figured that a shopping trip would soon be called for. It wasn't like she was wearing something she wouldn't normally wear for work it was just a bit…tighter than normal.

The car ride to work was usually filled with idle chit chat by the two friends but Elliot could feel that Olivia was holding something back and before he knew it the silence was filled with Liv's nervous voice. "I think im going to tell Cragen today, it's not like im going to be able to hide it much longer."

"As long as you're sure Liv, you know that everyone's going to be happy for you" he couldn't help but smile, he was worried that Liv was going to keep the pregnancy a secret for as long as possible, which could have been a problem if she was still doing leg work and tracking down perps while she was 6 months pregnant. The rest of the ride to work passed in relative silence as the car weaved its way through the streets of New York.


End file.
